Shooting My Hands
I shot the source material for my work Attempt to fill an empty space (Performance Anxiety). The work will debut at First Draft gallery Wednesday, August 20, 2008 in the exhibition ‘Desperately trying to tell you something’ with Ben Terakes.
I used two Keno lights to try and get a flat light without any shadows so I wouldn’t have to mess around too much in post production when I composited the images. My planned assistant for the evening Alex Reznick was out of action due to a broken finger. In a typical effort to procrastinate and delay the beginning of the shoot I accompanied Alex to the RPA hospital.
I always feel it is necessary to explore the context and environment for each performance I do for the camera. The video captures a moment of time and of my self and what happens around that moment will indirectly feed the final work. I had just spent an hour waiting in emergency with Alex before I returned to the studio. I had to abandon Alex early (he was there for 8 hours) because I couldn’t cope with the hospital scene.
In my work I break the body down to language. In emergency, bodies were breaking down in a very tangible and physical way. The woman sitting next to me was gasping and gulping, trying to suppress the sickness that was fighting its way up her throat. A child was vomiting into a small waste basket. A junkie was raving obscenities and pacing across the room. A man was hunched over clutching his stomach, muted screams as tears ran down his face. A solemn elderly couple sitting still and holding hands stared vacantly ahead. It is often only when the body breaks down that we become aware of it.
My work for the last year has been on love letters, and how an abstract notion can be reduced to four letters. Four scratches of line on paper. *Love* I imagine the invisible exchange in the air, particles of dust dancing around each other caught by rays of light. This invisible dance is where concepts meet and meanings merge. I say I love you. You say you love me. Each of our imagined meanings of love meet, collide and create some other meaning, unknown to both of us. But love also lies in the physical.
I remember moments when my body has broken down with another. Our sicknesses mix. Our fevers lead us to holiday together in hallucinations. Our bodies broken. We leave them on the bed together. We know they are there. We feel their physical presence. We know them more than ever. But we leave them behind. They don’t work anymore. Maybe it is here, in sickness, that we can transcend the barriers of skin and share this mutual imagining of meaning. Maybe we only moan and let our vile fluids stew together.
This was what I was thinking as I stood in the bright lights. My hands shaking. The camera rolling.